There are so many memes floating around regarding swirling you’d think that it’s easy to be in an interracial relationship, but on the contrary it’s totally not! In my opinion it takes more work than it takes in a regular relationship.
Going to college in Miami, I’ve experienced my fair share of interracial relationships/situationships considering I’ve always had “Jungle Fever” since I was a child however, my most recent relationship has to be the one that struck me most.
I never truly realized what made these relationships/situations different until I actually took some time to reflect on my past.
I dated an Arab guy once and although I felt that he was serious about me, he never spoke to his father (mother deceased) or immediate family about me. His few friends knew, but that was about it. We lived together for a period and my family ultimately met him when they came to visit. I remember times when his father would call, he’d step out of the room or silently motion me to remain quiet while he held his conversation. At the time, I was so young, I guess it never really bothered me or mattered because I didn’t really see a future with him due to other relationship issues…and also, I kind of understood how customary it was in their culture for them to marry their own.
Then there was a Cuban man…and I say man instead of guy because he was 15 years older than me. I was around 21 at the time. I really can’t be sure if he mentioned me to his family or not specifically, but I do remember him being public with our relationship. Besides, based on personality…I doubt he would’ve cared what anyone thought anyway about our relationship. I knew for sure that he had dated other black women before me so I really wasn’t concerned about there being any issue…but again I was young…I guess I didn’t put much thought into these things.
Years later there was a Puerto Rican…I won’t say that we were exactly in a relationship, it was definitely a situationship, but we spent alot of time together and many years dealing with eachother. However, now that I reflect, he always invited me over when his mom and sister were away. I was never invited over while they were actually home. I’m not sure if it was because he was seeing multiple girls, or because my race was an issue or maybe I was a side chick I mean it was a situationship after all (IDK #ImJustBeingHonest). He told me once that he thought I was pretty because I didn’t look like the average black girl….that because I didn’t have a “bell-pepper” nose, I was prettier. Chile….I should’ve taken that as an insult to my fellow black women and kept it moving, but….again, I was YOUNG.
During my years in FL, I came across a few guys that were interested, but honestly those situations never went past a week or so because it was so evident to see that dating a black girl was just a conquest and I DID NOT want to be an experiment considering some of my past experiences.
Now that you have a little insight on my past, let me jump to the relationship that this post is actually about.
Going forward I’m going to refer to him as Whiskey as I don’t want to disclose his identity.
I met Whiskey by chance on a new job. When I started this particular job, nothing was planned out so they’d just give me and another person that started random things to do. At some point, I ended up having to do a project for Whiskey that he was supervising. He was young, white and kind on the eyes, but I really didn’t think too much into it honestly. Days, weeks…went on with me working this project. One day, he had to leave early so he exchanged numbers with myself and the other person that was tasked….Still didn’t think anything of it.
As time passed, he would stop by my desk in the mornings to check on me and I suppose see what my progress was. It wasn’t that he approached me, it was the manner in which he approached me that ultimately led me to believe that he was flirting. i.e. things he’d say, body language, etc. Still….I didn’t think anything of it. It ended up escalating to him texting me complimenting me on a great job. Sometimes he’d text after work hours so I knew, it was flirting.
We gradually started having skype convos at work and they were always interesting. He was easy to talk to and our convos were always filled with laughter. I began to like him strangely…He definitely wasn’t the type I’d generally go for, but I couldn’t deny that there was something there. It’s funny how things happen! Randomly through another coworker I learned of his ex gf. She also happened to work there and…..she was white. (Maybe that should’ve told me something but…I digress)
Long story short…Whiskey and I began dating.
I remember asking him early on if he had ever dated a black girl and he confirmed that he had. I never thought twice about it because he wasn’t the typical white guy. He was more “urban” if that makes sense. He listened heavily to rap, wore stereotypical black clothing, and spoke slang just like any one of my black friends would. I remember wondering how strange it was for him to have dated a white girl previously based on how influenced he was by black/urban culture. BUT, *Insert shrug emoji*
I specifically remember asking him on the first date about his family’s views on him dating a black woman. I shared that my mother wasn’t too keen on the idea of me dating outside my race, but she was at the point where she just wanted to see me happy. He basically stated that his mom felt the same. During our first few weeks, he also spoke about one day wanting me to meet his family…Soooooo, I took that for all it was worth. (only to later find out he was just buttering me up saying all the right things)
NOW, I must warn you…some of the things I’m going to say next are purely my speculation on how I viewed things and what I personally felt from the situation…I don’t know if my speculations are true but these are just my feelings.
Our relationship went on and as any person happy with their relationship and s/o, I told my friends and family. My family was pleased that I had found someone that I was happy with since I hadn’t had anyone seriously in my life in forever. When I tell you none of them said anything about his race, I mean NONE! They just looked at him as a man. There were never any snide remarks. They made jokes here and there about how I’d probably have to cook different to please him…my grandma even gave me some cookbooks, but like I said overall, everyone was just happy that I was happy. They all were actually very VERY eager to meet him because of how highly I spoke of him.
Note: There were a couple times where I invited him out, and he always had an excuse strangely. After our first couple dates of eating out, we never really went anywhere. We always just hungout at his home.
Christmas time came and we both visited our families separately although we were both in the same state because we’re both from the same place. Riding around with my grandma one day and she asked a question that really made me think. She asked, “So, what does his mom think about you?”. “I don’t know…I don’t know if he’s told her”, I replied. So my grandma goes on to say how he may not be as serious about me as I think if his mother didn’t know anything about me. I wanted to take up for him and say how it was early-on in the relationship, but she honestly had a valid point. I reflected on how when I met someone new….even if I hadn’t given the whole spiel, someone in my family knew that I’d met someone whether it be a new friend, new neighbor, new coworker, or new potential bf. He always spoke about how close he was to his mom, so I had to believe he had atleast mentioned that he met someone…even if he hadn’t told her my race, name, etc.
So….being the person I am, I asked him. He basically told me that he wasn’t that open with his family about his relationships and such. I then started to feel like he wasn’t as serious… so I pressed it…He told me that he was as serious as I was and that I had nothing to worry about.
After Christmas passed, he told me that he spoke to his step-father about me. He stated that he didn’t want me to feel like he wasn’t serious because he hadn’t brought me up to his family so he felt that it was necessary. He stated that his mother’s opinion meant alot but his dad’s approval meant everything. He told me that his dad was from up North so he didn’t have the same type of views on race as his mother would being that she was from the South. Long story short, his father approved of me and was happy for him. That meant something to me, but it still didn’t take away the feelings of un-easyness I had when he told me about how his mom and grandmom asked what was new in his life and how he neglected to tell them about me. I guess I felt like when the time was right, he would.
New Years comes…we make plans…buy tickets for an event…I get my hair and makeup done…he’s ignoring my calls & texts for hours and then he finally responds. He says that he randomly fell ill and had been throwing up and didn’t feel up to the task of going. He apologized and said he wished it had’ve worked out because he knew how much it meant to me. I was pissssssssssed! How convenient for him to mysteriously fall ill hours before we’re set to go out. I still to this day believe either, A. He didn’t want to be seen out with me in public (my race) or B. He ditched me for someone else or C…..idk maybe he actually was sick but it seemed kinda sketchy that he didn’t want me over to nurse him back to health and bring in the new year with him at his house specially when I had mentioned it several times..but *Insert shrugging emoji*
Let me just add that…..
He and the ex’s relationship was public…everyone at work knew…his family knew…friends knew etc. There were actually still pictures of them together on facebook that he was tagged in. (Note: He never added me on fb so I only know this through research)
He said that our relationship basically couldn’t be public because he was in management and that it was a conflict of interest. Forget the fact that he wasn’t even my actual manager, nor was my supervisor under his management. But I went along with it because I didn’t want to cost him his position or affect it in any way.
Time goes on…
Now mind you…the entire relationship, I would post him on snapchat and we’d take all kinds of pics. together. I never initially posted them on IG because I didn’t want anyone from work to know since he said it couldn’t be obvious.
I start to get annoyed by how our relationship couldn’t be public and then just the thing happens! He ended up getting a new job in another division of the company. Conflict of interest severed. He would no longer be working in the same office as me. However, there were times when I’d still see him in the building and he wouldn’t even speak to me. It was’t that I necessarily cared about the people at work knowing, it’s just that you legit can’t even speak to me? like what!!
Note: No rule about workplace relationships at this particular company
So I confront him…I bring valid points about how he doesn’t work in my department anymore and how he and the ex were public and yet he couldn’t even speak to me. He basically uses reverse psychology and says that I don’t speak to him either! Ya damn right I don’t because you painted the picture that it couldn’t be obvious that we were together! He says that although he has a new job, he still hasn’t transitioned yet and has to be professional while he’s still in the building. So saying “hello” to me is unprofessional? I told him during this conversation that I did NOT want to be hidden. I didn’t want to be a secret because I was done with the sneaking around games in my life. And he had promised me things would be different when he got a new job. I asked was he ashamed of me because I was black. He stated that my race had never been a factor and that the ex was the one that publicly displayed their relationship. I ended up just standing down because I felt like in his mind, it was like I wanted everyone at work to know…but what I was really bothered by was that he couldn’t speak to me and that outside of work our relationship was still not public.
After he fully transitioned, I expected to see a difference. But yet, he still never posted me on his social media or alluded to the fact that he had a girlfriend. Quite frankly, I’d be next to him and he’d post snaps that appeared as if he was alone. For example, we’d be going out to eat and he’d snap while he was right next to me…”I’m about to do xyz”…I, I’m (SINGULAR) Now this wouldn’t generally bother me because everyone isn’t open about their relationships on sm however, scrolling back on his IG page there were several posts where he had tagged the ex gf, made clear that he was in a relationship and more. She wasn’t in any pictures (guessing because he deleted them after the breakup), but it was clear that they had been together. From weekend trips, holiday getaways, family time, outings, and just general time spent together…it was all there! Then let’s not forget all the photos he was STILL tagged in on fb with her which I mentioned to him and he supposedly had no idea they were there…..(Keep in mind if someone tags you in a photo, it appears under photos of you and you can always remove the tag…)
I didn’t know if he was seeing someone else, seeing someone in the workplace, still messing around with the ex, or just plain and simple afraid to be open about me due to the fact that I was black. I also was getting more on edge by the day that his family still had no idea about me.
Let me throw this out there…If someone says they like to keep things private…and it’s proven, then cool…no problem…
I confronted him….and oh this led to a huge fight. I felt like if she could be posted, I should be able to as well only out of fairness and even if he didn’t particularly post me…atleast let it be known that he was in a relationship. He basically said that I was overreacting and picking with him that he wasn’t trying to hide me and so and so…I continued arguing my case and he just simply ignored me…..he ignored me for atleast 5 days. When he finally did actually say something it was a phone call. 30 minutes of him yelling….Basically saying that he isn’t open about his relationships…he likes to keep them private and that his friends (Let me define friends for you…. Friends: (n.) Other males primarily black that he plays basketball with & one other female friend that he worked with) and his dad know about me (never able to confirm) and that if I wanted the whole world to know and it to be posted that it wasn’t going to happen. He also stated that there would be fights and falling outs with his family if he told them about me and that there was nothing he could do about that because it’s just how things are where they’re from. He also said that he had no control over the pictures his ex still had up of him and that he had deleted and untagged himself from all of them. (Forget the fact that anyone can PUBLICLY search his name on facebook and click photos and all of the photos appear that he’s STILL tagged in to-date) All of these things, the fact that he wanted to keep our relationship undercover, not let it be known that he had a gf regardless of race, probably not tell his family and everything else he said should’ve been a deal-breaker but what I neglected to mention in this post was how I felt about him.
There were many times when I probably should’ve walked away or second-guessed, but I truly cared about him and I can’t say that I’ve cared about someone like that in a long time. When I love, I love hard and I don’t give up easily. I really wanted it to work so I toughed it out. I even asked a fellow classmate who was in an interracial relationship how to get over some of the racial issues we had.
So…I stood down…And made peace with him although it was killing me that I couldn’t be seen or respected as his gf. He said he wasn’t public, but yet there were rows and rows of posts where he was public about his ex. But I guess I’m overlooking the fact the she was white.
He was able to publicly friend her on fb and she was able to tag him in pictures that his mom and family could see because, she was white.
I also was never added…I guess because he didn’t want me to tag him in any photos that his family or anyone else could publicly see.
I don’t want you guys to think that it was just about social media…it was about the principle…I didn’t want to be hidden point blank period in any capacity.
He ultimately ended up randomly leaving me a month or so later for an ex… not the one I mentioned, but one I had no clue about that he’d dated atleast 3-4 years or so before me. I’m almost positive that she was white..I felt like he wanted a relationship that was easy…something he didn’t have to fight for, but who knows…….
I always felt like the root of our problems stemmed from race. One day I went digging. I searched through all of the fb photos I could find of him….saw tons of ex girlfriends and friends…but never anyone that looked like me or remotely of color. I started to doubt that he had even had a black gf before because he told my mom at dinner when he finally met her that he had had a serious relationship with a black woman before in the past and that his mom was ok with it…but things just didn’t add up. And also how could his mom be ok with that person but supposedly it would cause a rift if they knew about me? I began to realize that maybe he just had a downlow fascination with black women, but that he would never spend the rest of his life with one. There weren’t really any young white chicks where we worked and he wasn’t the type to really go out so he dated out of the pool that he had access to because that’s all that was there. I literally felt like an experiment!
It’s bamboozling that someone so into black culture in almost every way, was afraid to openly date a black woman.
And this post isn’t to bash him because I still do care alot about Whiskey, we had some good times…I wish it worked out I really do, but I just want to speak about my experience as far as the interracial aspect is concerned.
One of my mom’s friends recently told me that I would always feel inadequate in an interracial relationship because I was not that person’s counterpart. When I thought about it, this was the only relationship where I felt that way. I know that I’m a beautiful person. I’m smart, educated, somewhat outgoing..and all the rest but I never felt like I was good enough to be his gf because I wasn’t white. I can’t really describe the feeling, but I honestly feel like had I been, all of the issues we had would’ve been non-existent. I never want to feel like that again. He always said, even after the breakup when he came back around that I was an amazing woman, I was amazing and that I was a great catch…
But I guess the gag is, I’m not white…
I felt like all those times, he didn’t want to go out or he stood me up was because he didn’t want anyone to know. Overall I’m not sure if some of the reasons things happened the way they did was because of my race or because he just wasn’t serious about me or a combination of both, Maybe he just simply wasn’t that into me, but this is just how I feel inside.
The next man I date that’s outside of my race has to be either unconcerned with how the world feels, or willing to stand up and stand behind what he wants and be true to it.This white guy on fb told me a story about how he loved black women so much but ended up marrying a white woman and how he was so unhappy for whatever reason and that his mother told him…
“Son, be true to yourself … you know your heart doesn’t beat that way, and it never will”….
I don’t ever want to feel like a person is keeping me hidden whether it’s because of my race or any other factors. If I want to share my love with the world I should be able to. I don’t want to have to second guess whether I should share something because of how someone’s parent will potentially be upset about the color of my skin.
We’re all just people…
I believe that as an adult that’s self sufficient, independent, paves their own way, and pays their own bills, one shouldn’t be concerned about what anyone in their family, social circle, or workplace has to say about who they date. After all, they’re not the ones laying next to you at night.
Always do what and who makes you happy! Forget what everyone else thinks!
And follow the way your heart beats not anyone else’s!!!